Hi guys, it has been some time since I've written something here. I wish I could be more active when it comes to my personal projects. I am a pro at procrastinating, and I hate it.

There is a concept called "depersonalization" which is described by Google as "a mental health condition that causes a feeling of detachment from one's body, feelings, or environment". It is like feeling that you are not in control of your own body. Your life has been stolen from you, and now you can only watch. Basically, that's what I've been feeling for the last 6 years.

It is not something pleasant, but it surely is not that bad. You don't really feel bad, at all, when you are detached from your own concept of life. Things just happen, and you act accordingly, but you're not really there. You're not suffering, you're not enjoying.

When in a depersonalization state, one might feel like watching a movie. I can't help but feel like I'm watching a character (me) living life and making decisions. Sometimes, I can actually get in control. For like, 30 seconds, maybe. In order to be conscious, I need to focus hard on my own existence and brute force a state of absolute perception. I Try to feel the tip of my fingers, the taste in my mouth, the colors around me, and the cold air caressing my face. But I can't keep that state for a long time. It only takes some seconds for me to forget that I'm alive, and start doing tasks automatically and giving up my free will.

Sometimes it feels like there is someone controlling me most of the time and living the life that was supposed to be mine. Feeling the pleasures I was supposed to appreciate, the pain that I should suffer to thrive and grow. And I still couldn't find out how to fight back.

I have tried to glue some notes on my mirror, and set up alarms saying "WAKE UP! You gotta live!" And it worked. For the first 2 days. After that, my mind was already used to those notes, so my automatic self just ignored them. Therapy doesn't really work either. Psychologists just repeat the same bullshit over and over again, telling me to "enjoy the small victories" and "acknowledge my pain". But guess what, if I could do that consistently, I wouldn't have that problem.

My life feels empty and dull, and my life feels meaningless. Why am I supposed to have a life that I can't live anymore?

And for those of you saying "Oh, you are just on autopilot. Everybody feels like that sometimes", shut the fuck up. It is different. I have experienced life normally during my childhood. It was different. I felt stuff, and it was great. Food was tasty, water was cold and heartbreaks were painful. The moon was beautiful and love made me tremble.

Fellas, it is normal to only feel alive for some seconds per day? I am kinda desperate.

I have tried love, adrenaline, drugs, art, and music, but nothing seems to make me alive.

And no, I'm not gonna try pain. Self-harm is for idiots. If I want to suffer, I'll just ask for a girl to dominate me ruthlessly. That would be nice, actually. Already got some plans for tonight.

I'll try to get myself conscious again to write more stuff for you guys. I'll try to talk about art. It'll be nice. (I wrote most of this shit automatically, I'm cooked.)

Best regards, Stoots :)